Ten Lessons I Learned After Losing My Father

It has been one year and five months since I lost my dad whom I call Da.  This Father’s Day marks his second one in heaven. I cannot help but feel sad. On my first Father’s Day without Da, I wrote about the life lessons I learned from him.  Today, I want to share 10 lessons I learned from his passing.

Tears are a Tribute

I wrote about Da last Father’s Day.  It was his first Father’s Day in heaven. The piece was called Bacon, Eggs, and Life Lessons from Da.  You can find it here.  When I wrote it, it was a very emotional experience for me. As I write this now, the same emotions overcome me.  I remember him and I cry.  I really don’t like to cry.  For some reason, I have always believed that it was a sign of my weakness. But you know, I realize that my tears are a tribute to the man Da was, what he meant to me and will always mean to me.    

There is Strength in Vulnerability

I struggled with showing my grief.  I struggled with showing weakness. But I have learned in my grieving process that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it is actually a measure of courage. It takes courage to show your true self and express your deepest emotions. When I found people in my life to talk to about my loss, I found that I also had people to share my pain.  You do not have to be isolated and feel alone when you grieve.

Change is Good

Everyone who has experienced loss has their own coping mechanism.  It seems easier to self-destruct than to try to deal with difficult emotions in a constructive manner. I honestly chose to try to live better.  I signed up for a fitness challenge at a nearby kickboxing studio. I wanted a reason to have to get up every day.  I thought I would start trying to look better on the outside and I would eventually start to feel better on the inside. Around the same time, I went back to work and moved to a new office location. All of the change helped me to not focus solely on my grief.

I Have Learned a Deeper Compassion for People in Pain

I take pride in being a compassionate person. I help people who are less fortunate, I lend an ear to friends who need to talk, and I am physically present for those who need me.  In the past, friends have lost loved ones and I expressed my sincerest sorrow to them. I realized after losing Da that this was not enough. This was not true compassion.  In the days after Da’s passing, my family was showered with phone messages, cards, flowers, food, and donations. Friends and family I didn’t necessarily keep in constant touch with were present at his wake and funeral service.  In the downtime during Da’s wake, I read every message, took a mental note of everyone who visited, and truly appreciated everyone who went out of their way to pay respects to Da.  They were also showing their compassion for my mom, sister, and I.  I will never forget that and will ensure that moving forward, I am truly compassionate when someone is in pain.

I Will Grieve a Lifetime

When it comes to the loss of Da, I really don’t believe in the saying, “Time Heals All Wounds.” I will always grieve Da’s loss, but over time it has really been about a slow shift in perspective.  We really must find our own way within a landscape of private grief. No one can ever fill that void, but I now know there will be other aspects (and people) in my life that will be able to bring me joy and I will find many days of peace.

Because I Understand Deep Sorrow, I Also Appreciate Great Joy

There was such sadness within me for a long time after Da passed.  Many people who have lost a loved one speak about feeling guilty the first time they laughed or had a great time.  It was the opposite for me.  I am sure the first person who made me laugh was my sister.  The days and weeks following Da’s funeral are fuzzy to me, but I know she probably said something silly and we laughed hard. I do remember really appreciating that moment. I know Da wouldn’t want us to be sad.  In fact, I know he was hoping his family would all find joy again soon. That doesn’t mean you forget about your loved one or are not sad that they are gone.  It means your life must move forward. It means you love the people who are still in your life even harder, you learn to appreciate every blessing that comes your way, and you do what brings you joy.

I Can Let Go

I now know that grief made me better equipped to handle other life challenges. The loss of Da was, to date, the single most devastating event of my life. I was forced to let go of him so every other challenge now is like a walk in the park.  I have found that the relationships I have had that were not worthy of me were so easy to let go of, and anything else that did not end up the way I envisioned, was just a push towards a new direction.  We have to let go of how we believe our life should be and begin to embrace the path we are meant to walk.

There is a Survivor in All of Us

I believe if you have survived even one day after a tragedy, you are a survivor.  If you have recently experienced a loss, I hope you always remember this.

My Faith is Strong

My faith in God is strong. It was tested when I lost Da. I thought I would be angry, but my first thought was to thank God. I was thankful for the time He gave me with Da, for giving my sister and I such a wonderful father, and most of all, I was thankful that He gave Da rest.  When you love someone unconditionally, their peace, good health and happiness is all you want for them.  Da now has all of that.

The Desire to Make Him Proud is Forever

I have found that my desire to live a life that will make Da proud has never waned. I may not physically see him, but I feel he is watching over me. When I have good or bad news, I still find myself talking to him about it.  Sometimes I will be driving alone in the car and just talk to him out loud about mini milestones in my life.

The other day, I found Da’s big can filled with quarters.  I hugged it because I was thankful for another memory. When I use to visit him, I would occasionally catch him dropping coins in the can. When I asked him about it, he said he was saving for something big.

I decided I would continue to drop quarters in Da’s can and every time I do, I am going to share my big life moments.  I hope I always make him proud. 

Happy Father’s Day, Da.  I love and honor you always.